Wednesday, October 15, 2014

And She Gave Him Back to the Lord

Earlier this year I attended the sacred home birth of a baby too beautiful for earth. In honor of pregnancy loss awareness day and her beautiful baby, Lacy has asked that I share her story with you. Lacy found comfort in reading stories from other mothers and she hopes that if you are suffering a loss that you may find some peace in her words as well.  

My husband and I have three handsome boys, and earlier this year we had decided to start trying for our fourth baby. In March, I had noticed I was late so I took a pregnancy was negative. Feeling a bit discouraged I went about my routines, and figured it would happen eventually. After another week had passed and still no visit from aunt flow, I thought maybe I tested too early before, so, naturally I took another test. That too was negative. I knew something was going on so I decided to go to the free clinic to test....yet again another negative test. Nine pregnancy tests later, I decided it was time to go see my doctor since I still hadn't had my monthly visit from mother nature. Sure enough, the test from the doctor finally gave me the answer I knew deep down, WE WERE PREGNANT!!!!! I set up my first prenatal appointment and couldn't wait to begin our last and final journey of pregnancy. In mid April, I got my first ultra sound and saw our little peanut for the very first time... pure bliss. As a few weeks went by, I realized that my body felt different than my previous pregnancies, and my husband and I began discussing our plans for giving birth. It was suggested that we hire a doula because we were looking into the option of natural birth versus getting an epidural. We found two doulas within a few towns of our home and met with both. They were both wonderful, but one really captured our hearts and we had an instant connection with her. Things were moving wonderfully!!! We had our birth plan mostly mapped out, we had our amazing doula and baby was growing big and strong. By thirteen weeks we were able to hear the heartbeat for the first time.... MUSIC SWEET MUSIC!!! Baby was growing and healthy, we couldn't be happier. As we prepared and told our friends and family, our excitement only grew. Our boys were excited and we began discussing baby names. After only a few minor arguments we had our two names, one for a boy and one for a girl. At sixteen weeks we began our picture documentation, belly was growing and everything seemed fine. My seventeen week check came and I walked in everything seemingly normal, the doctor came in got out his doppler and pressed it gently to my stomach. Expecting to hear baby right away, there was nothing but silence... the doctor moved to a different spot... again, nothing... once more, and nothing. Trying to keep me calm, he turned to me and asked me to go to ultra sound and get checked, just to make sure things were ok, also informing me that sometimes, no heartbeat just means baby is really active. I went to ultra sound and there pops up the picture of our sweet babe. As she tech was taking pictures, she turned on the sound looking for a heartbeat. I will NEVER forget the silence in that room. The tech looked at me cleared her throat and whispered “I’m so sorry” and walked out. My heart sank, my body went numb and I burst into tears. I couldn't control what came out. I was expected to work that day and I went in asking for the day off explaining to my bosses the news we received. Almost immediately my brain went into overdrive, and I began calling the people who were important to us and broke the news. It was like I was a robot, I remember feeling as though I had left my body and was watching myself form above and wondering, why aren't you yelling, or angry, or anything. The next day I spent making our final phone calls and waiting. We had decided that we wanted to give birth to our sweet baby instead of having what would have been an abortion. This was still our child, despite what science says. On Thursday June 26th I woke up in a massive amount of pain and severe bleeding, so we went to the emergency room. While there I contacted my doula for some support, and she was there within half an hour. The very first thing she did was play some music to calm me down, and she sat with me and held my hand. After talking with the er doctor, we decided to head home and birth in privacy. Not more than five minutes after we arrived home, at 11:22am I delivered our sweet baby. A handsome baby boy, Austin James, who weighed .8oz and was 1.41 in long. I held our baby boy for two hours, crying, laughing, and enjoying this beautiful gift God had given us. Our doula, sat with me the entire time, comforting me, and helping with weighing Austin and getting his measurements. I've never understood why God took our boy to be with him in heaven, but I do know that from the moment I found out we had lost him, there was an unexplained peace in my heart. We may not understand why our baby boy had to leave this earth, but we know that he is safe in heaven. He watches over us and each day we tell him we love him. Rest in peace sweet baby Austin James! Mommy and Daddy and your brothers love you.


  1. What a beautiful story. Every woman who goes through a loss should be supported in such a way. I went through a loss at 11 weeks and wish I could've been so supported. Great read.

  2. A touching story for Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Day. Thankful this family received gentle support on this hard journey...


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Jennifer Valencia | Labor & Postpartum Doula | 928.300.1337


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